One year ago...

I found out I was pregnant. I had a feeling. I took the test late morning at my parents house while my dad's parents were in town visiting. I couldn't wait until later that day. I just had a feeling. I did my business, and watched the stick. Only one line appeared so I started getting myself all situated to leave the restroom then I looked at the stick again. Two lines.

I cried and panicked as much as you can in about twenty seconds. I had to pull it together as to not give it away yet. I remember my dad asking me right after if I was ok and I told him I had a headache or something. I called Jake and told him real quick and quietly. I remember his calm voice telling me that this was good and we could do it.

I was so panicked because I felt like I had the plan in my head all set. This wasn't the right time. I wasn't ready for three, not ready for a sleep deprived newborn way of life. We didn't make enough money and on top of that we had to buy a bigger car. I was sad that I had to grow a baby and go through downs and downs (*Notice no "ups") of a first trimester.

A couple of weeks went by and we kept our little secret. Part of my plan was that if nobody knew, well then I just couldn't be sick. Maybe it was all in my head and if I wasn't allowed to be sick because no one knew I was pregnant, then maybe I wouldn't be! It seemed like it worked for a little while. I was still exercising a bunch and had a little burst of energy for a short time. Then all of a sudden it hit me. Right about the same time that I got hired at the hospital. It was like a dark black cloud...a giant engulfing wave of nausea, depression, anxiety and all around ickyness. I cried and cried, threw up all day long for weeks. Begged Heavenly Father to help me want this baby that so many pray for......

Now she is here. Now she is almost 4 months old. How could I have been so sure I didn't want her?! It almost makes me cry right now, just the thought of what a brat I was about it. I would almost expect Heavenly Father to teach me a lesson by giving me a difficult baby because of all the questioning and whining I did at the beginning. But of course he gave me a beautiful, perfect, healthy, sleeps-through-the-night, smiles-at-everything, thick-haired-perfect-for-bows kind of girl. I love her so much. She literally completes our family and is beyond perfect in every single way. Thank you Heavenly Father for knowing me better than I know myself. For trusting me with one of your choicest daughters. I've been stretched probably farther than ever this year and it has been so worth it. Every second of nausea, lean over the toilet, tear down my cheek, extra hour worked, date night missed, extra chores for Jake. I could go on and on. I would like to say that I'll never question again.....I will try my darndest :)